April 26, 2011

not what we expected...

it's taken me a few days to be able to sit down and actually put words together about how i feel regarding the events of last week. for those who are just reading this blindly and have no clue what i'm talking about, well, you'll need to read THIS first, and then know that IT didn't work. last week was a very long and emotionally draining one. after having to wait around for 9 days before we could find out if all of our hopes and dreams had come true, we were beyond devastated to get the dreaded phone call. The Husband answered the phone, knowing i couldn't handle any kind of bad news. he was right to take that phone call, because i might have hurled myself out of the moving car we were in. it was the white knuckle driving that gave it away, he didn't even have to say a word. i completely lost it and the tears didn't stop pouring for the next 3 days. it felt like someone punched me in the stomach and then took my lunch money. i was still contemplating jumping out of the car, but it was moving pretty fast, and walking home was not what i wanted to do either.

life is cruel and sometimes pointless, and there's no explanation to why this happened. why did it happen? everything was perfect. i've been back and forth jumping around all 5 stages of the grieving process, but to be honest, anger is definitely the biggie. even though the sadness and depression hit me every morning when i wake up, it's the anger that stays with me during the day. i think i have a right to be angry...we haven't even heard from the doctor since the phone call (hence the feeling of someone taking my lunch money).

so, now here we are, out of money and nothing to show for it but a pillow full of tears. now what? this is totally not what we expected...

6 comments:

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

i'm so so sorry mama.

Beth Clark said...

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS! I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing I could hug your sorrows away!

Lori said...

Baby struggles break my heart more than anything. Praying for your sadness and your fertility.

Atkinson Family said...

Our hearts and prayers go out to you guys. We love you!

Norma said...

Sorry to read this Ash, praying for you and the hub.

Robyn said...

I know I'm a little late to the party. Not living on the "internets" much these days. ;)

Just wanted to say...

I'm sure I have no idea what you are going thru, but I'm sorry you're going thru it! I hope the awful feelings fade away soon.

Prayers and love comin' your way.