May 8, 2011

waiting to exhale...

it's been 2 weeks now since we got the phone call, and slowly but surely i've gotten to a point where i don't cry every day. i've moved past the feeling sorry for myself stage, but now i'm moving into the feeling guilty for neglecting the rest of my family stage. i feel guilty that i haven't even talked to my mom, or even my mother-in-law, i haven't been keeping up with my usual 52 week project, i haven't been going to the gym, i haven't been eating like i should (damn chocolate bunnies keep finding their way into my mouth), i haven't been involved with the kids and their activities, and i've even neglected to give The Husband the attention he deserves (i sometimes forget he lost something too, not just me). i'm absolutely disgusted with myself and it's about time i snap out of it, but i just can't bring myself to. i need a new "project" that will get me back on track and back in a better mindset.

so, now what? it's the big question anyone asks when they have the courage to say anything at all to me. i understand that it's a touchy subject and i too would be afraid to ask someone in my position. well, to be honest, i don't know yet. i still want another baby, but at what cost? i need a "project" that i can focus on now. there's always running another marathon, but ugh, the thought of running makes me want to puke. i feel like i've been holding my breath for the last month just waiting for the right moment to exhale and move on...

5 comments:

Lucia said...

Oh, Ash (and Chris)... I am so, so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine what it has been like for you guys. :( I know nothing I can say will make anything better, but know that I have been thinking about you guys and hoping you are making it through each day ok.

If you think you want your new project to be anything fabric/sewing/quilting related, I can help with that. Just let me know. Hang in there...

Jessica said...

LOVE YOU!! And hmmm...a project...

I am good at this! let me think for you...

Amanda said...

I'm sure your family misses you, but they understand (as much as they can). Don't be so hard on yourself.
PROJECT?? What about school? I seem to remember Chris telling me that you wanted to go to nursing school at some point?
Also- what about cheer clinics? You are so spunky (I saw your tumbling video a few months ago)and there are always girls need help especially for HS or even college try outs. Just some ideas.
XOXOXO

MommyNamedApril said...

i'm so sorry. life can be cruel. i hope it all works out for you.

Erin Green said...

Thinking about you. I hope you're well and wish you all the best in whatever"next steps" you choose! XXOO, Erin